Life Lessons from a Porcupine
A clinical supervisor once told me a joke: “How do porcupines mate? Very carefully!” I know, it’s not that funny. It is, however, a fitting metaphor for the challenges we humans face in our interactions with one another. Tara Brach, a clinical psychologist and meditation teacher, tells a story explaining the association between porcupine lifestyle and human relationships. A colony of porcupines was forced to endure a harsh, bitter cold winter. In an effort to create warmth, they moved close together to share the heat of their bodies. As the porcupines huddled together, quills poked into flesh. Apparently, being in close proximity to a porcupine can be uncomfortable, even for another porcupine. Many porcupines pulled away from each other to avoid being pricked. Unfortunately, some succumbed to the frigid temperatures and died alone. The ones that survived did so by finding ways to tolerate the discomfort of their friends’ quills, just enough that they were able to shift closer. As they leaned in, they were touched by sharp points, retreated, shifted position and found a place to settle in. Through repeated contact, wounds initially formed around the entry points and then, over time, the skin thickened. They developed enough resilience to live comfortably in their discomfort because the price of being isolated was too high.
I wonder if porcupines did a better job than humans at figuring out strategies for getting along, even when being close is often uncomfortable, challenging or provocative. Are we, as individuals and as a society, able to tolerate the poking and prodding of each other’s sharp edges? I wonder whether we have developed more powerful systems for avoiding emotional discomfort than for moving towards it. If so, have we missed an opportunity for becoming more resilient individuals and a more cohesive society? How can we shift direction and embrace one another when the risks of getting hurt feel so scary?
As a society, we have found an ideal mechanism for avoiding authentic human contact. Being busy has become a multi-purpose avoidance technique: we can use it to minimize our vulnerability in relationship with others and as a way to distract ourselves from our own uncomfortable emotional states. When I run into someone and they ask me, “How are you?”, I can simply respond, “So busy!” without revealing that I’m feeling stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, anxious, sad (fill in the blank with your unpleasant emotional experience.) Easy! In close relationships, I can spend hours discussing my activity-filled life and ask my friend about hers, skirting any opportunity for intimacy. Safe! If I’m “too busy” to speak by phone or get together in person, I don’t have to experience the painful little emotional jabs that accompany normal human interaction: jealousy, competitiveness, hurt, vulnerability, anger, sadness, rejection, just to name a few of our shadowy, darker emotions. Dodged that bullet!
We have developed an entire system of culturally-sanctioned, comfort-enhancing, self and relational avoidance with one word: “Busy!”
What is the price for playing it emotionally safe and dodging all these interpersonal bullets, fearing they will pierce our fragile hearts? We are maintaining the illusion that we can survive by keeping to ourselves, by not sharing our struggles and challenges, by refusing to reveal our vulnerabilities. Further, we assume that if we can’t tolerate emotional discomfort that others can’t either. Culturally, we have developed another socially sanctioned, emotional escape strategy that values “not hurting someone else’s feelings.” In this cautious approach, we miss opportunity after opportunity to give valuable feedback to loved ones when we notice their behavior is inflicting pain - towards themselves or others. Does it really serve us and our friends when we don’t let them know that one of their quills keeps poking us in the same spot and it hurts? Is it possible that they might be pricking other people in the same way with that jagged edge? Is it possible that I might be? Maybe we know what we’re doing and how we are affecting ourselves or others, but most likely we don’t. We all operate with blindspots, areas in which we are unable to see that our actions or words are hurtful. When we don’t tell each other how we feel, we never give ourselves the opportunity to reflect and possibly improve our attitudes or behavior. Every time we avoid a difficult conversation, we choose to maintain fragility over developing resilience, promoting distance over connection. Further, when we avoid these types of conversations, we don’t give ourselves the chance to develop a language in which we can directly and honestly communicate our thoughts and feelings in the most compassionate way possible. This language is sorely missed in our daily interactions, creating pockets of loneliness and disconnection in many of our relationships. Even more devastating is that when we, as adults, don’t have the words to communicate in a genuinely connected manner, we cannot possibly teach them to our children.
What lessons can we learn from porcupines that will help us live in this relational world with other humans, whose quills will inevitably pierce our skin and whose wounds we, ourselves, will undoubtedly poke, as cautious as we may be? Participating fully in human relationships means that we will hurt and be hurt. Learning how to “give ourselves permission to be human” will help make those painful moments more tolerable.
AWARENESS - CHOICES - LIFESTYLE
AWARENESS:
Be aware of a tendency to talk about how busy you or your family are.
Do you schedule yourself so tightly that you don’t have time to think, feel or connect with others?
Become more aware of habits that help you avoid difficult or vulnerable conversations, for example, communicating primarily through social media or brief texts.
Notice if you are intentionally or unintentionally avoiding people because you are uncomfortable with your feelings towards them, fear expressing the feelings in an unskillful way, or fear the person’s response if you do express yourself.
Develop awareness of your habits, patterns and tendencies to avoid, numb or become very upset or reactive when emotionally triggered by verbal or written interactions.
Notice if you are avoiding spending time with people because you don’t want them to know that you are hurting or struggling.
CHOICES:
Choose to lean in, even if you fear being vulnerable, hurt or hurting someone else. Change can only happen outside of our comfort zone. Even if it seems like it “doesn’t go well,” there is an opportunity for growth in every challenging situation. This is how we develop emotional resilience, not by avoiding that which makes us uncomfortable.
Choose to interact in person or by phone, rather than texting, especially when dealing with a difficult or emotional situation. A well-timed phone call from a friend can be the highlight of someone’s day, especially when it comes with encouragement or simply, “I was thinking of you and wanted to hear your voice.” Whatever happens next is simply an opportunity to stretch your “sitting with discomfort” muscles and strengthen your emotional resilience.
Choose to participate in activities that enhance your capacity to sit comfortably with discomfort, e.g. mindfulness, yoga, meditation.
Choose to spend time with people or in activities that take you out of your comfort zone.
Consider seeing a therapist to become more at ease experiencing and expressing your emotions and to help you navigate the interpersonal world with more vulnerability and authenticity. The reward will be deeper and more satisfying personal connections.
LIFESTYLE:
Commit to a lifestyle that rewards and reinforces openness, communication and connection.
Speak in a language that includes genuine emotional expression, founded in compassion.
Give yourself permission to be a perfectly imperfect human and from there, you will be able to do the same for others.