I Will Never Win a Popularity Contest
One like. Two likes. One love. A comment. Another comment.
I have just posted another blog on Facebook and the familiar pattern of checking the response has kicked in. Post the blog, wait a minute, check. Check again. And again. Check for texts and emails, too. Check. Check. Check. The compulsion to check is a reaction to my need for validation. Someone has read the article. Someone liked it. My hours of work are worth it. My ideas and words are heard, they make an impact. The tension recedes temporarily as the first positive comment arrives, bringing words of encouragement or approval to soothe my ego.
As the likes and comments slowly trickle in, I feel the rise and fall of excitement and disappointment, fear and courage, gratitude and resentment flow through my body. My ego rides the familiar waves of acceptance and rejection, the bumpy journey a price I pay for putting my words and thoughts into the public domain.
“Have you read my new blog?” my shameless ego wants to ask my family, friends, patients and Facebook friends. “You should read it. There is valuable information that you might find useful.” Check. Check again. Unpleasant, repetitive thoughts replay in my mind. Has anyone even read it? Is it worth all the time I invest? Is it worth the angst I feel every time I post?
On the uphill, I feel joy and gratification after reading a personal, heartfelt comment. I am grateful for the rare text, an acknowledgement that someone found my words meaningful. The feedback feeds my hungry ego until I see, in my process of compulsive checking, that a friend’s posted photo of her cat has received hundreds of likes and a multitude of comments. I am deflated once again, wondering if I am simply a fool, spending all this time and effort writing pieces that no one cares about.
My itty-bitty shitty committee convenes to assess the situation:
You are never going to win a popularity contest. People aren’t interested in taking the time to read what you write. Frankly, your writing isn’t all that great to begin with. In fact, there are many people saying similar things in better ways on broader platforms. Play it safe and stick to your therapy practice. Even though you’re not winning any popularity contests there either, at least your patients show up regularly and you know how to do that work well enough that you’re not making a fool of yourself, at least most of the time.
Within a few days, the committee’s voices diminish, the checking process subsides and I resume my typical avoidance of social media. Two weeks later, the cycle starts again. I dedicate myself to writing, feeling connected, joyful and inspired as I creatively express the themes I find so helpful. When I post the blog, I do so with equal parts doubt and hope. Then the pattern of compulsive checking begins, once again pulling me into the realm of emotional discomfort and insecurity.
I must be a glutton for punishment, because I also invite this experience into my life every Tuesday when I sign on to Zoom to teach my weekly yoga class. Some weeks there are six or seven students. Those are my full classes. Other weeks, I teach for an hour to two students. One of them is my mother. Bless her, she signs on every Tuesday with a smile on her face, proud and eager to see me in my role as yoga teacher. The class ends and I wonder, Is it worth it? Does it make a difference? Am I a fool to continue teaching this class when so few people are interested? My ego chuckles when Mom texts, “I really enjoyed your class today.”
Despite the doubt, fear and sometimes shame that accompany my ventures outside the comfort zone, I continue to write, post and teach. You may be wondering what motivates me to keep going. I often wonder that, too. Upon reflection, I realize that I have been relying on a few inspirational strategies that I want to share with you.
First, I have learned to turn down the volume on my ego’s voice and tune in to the voice of my soul. My ego assertively craves “emotional candy” in the form of likes, comments and acknowledgement. This voice speaks loudly and easily grabs my attention with its intense and obnoxious messages. How many likes? How many comments? Why isn’t anyone sharing the article? It would be so great if people shared it because then other people would read it and maybe they’ll email me and say how much my words made a difference. Why doesn’t she read my articles? She probably thinks I don’t have much to say. Maybe I don’t have much to say. Maybe I should stop writing. Maybe I should write more. How can I get more exposure? Any more likes? Feed me. Feed me. Feed me.
My soul, on the other hand, speaks softly, barely audible beneath the ongoing chatter of the ego. In a quiet voice, it whispers:
This is what you are meant to do and this is how you do it. This is what you have to offer and this is what you must offer. It is enough. You are enough. Keep going even if it feels hard.
Second, almost every Tuesday, I remind myself of the spiritually inspired words I once heard the beautiful (and popular) yoga teacher Seane Corn tell a group of new yoga teachers. She told them not to be discouraged when only two people show up to take their class because those are the two people who are meant to hear the message the teacher is offering that day. My soul hears Seane's words and encourages me to show up with everything I have to offer for the two people I am meant to teach that day.
I also tell myself that the time, effort and emotional discomfort are worth it even if only one person benefits from the article or class. And I hear the calming voice of a wise friend reminding me that the struggle is worth it even if the one person who benefits is me. His words resonate in my soul and I feel inspired to take the risk that my ego may be bruised.
The truth is that my ego often does feel wounded when my writing isn’t acknowledged or people don’t sign up for my yoga class. I feel insecure about my yoga teaching and doubt my ability to write at a level worthy of publication. Although the strategies I mentioned propel me to move forward, they do not eliminate the emotional discomfort associated with doing so. Rather, the strategies remind me that the uncomfortable feelings have purpose and knowing they have purpose makes them more tolerable.
Finally, I use the mindfulness and breathing techniques that I practice and teach regularly to help keep me present and grounded while the unpleasant sensations that accompany difficult emotions flare in my physical body. Bringing my attention from the ego-driven rejection story to immediate physical sensation empowers me to stay in the moment, regardless how unpleasant the experience may feel. Using a full, deep, steady breath, I remind myself, “This is simply sensation and it is tolerable.”
While my ego would rejoice in the thrill of popularity and external validation, my soul feels satisfied when I am living in alignment with my purpose. While I may not win a popularity contest, I hope to make a small difference for one person at a time, in my own unique way. What unique gift do you have to offer the world today?
OBSERVE - CHOOSE - INTEGRATE
In this section, I offer suggestions for applying the themes discussed above to your life. The more aware you are of your patterns of thought, emotion and behavior, the better able you will be to make choices that will enhance your health (physical, mental, emotional, relational and spiritual) and happiness. As you integrate more life-enhancing choices into your days, you will create a lifestyle that optimizes your well-being.
OBSERVE:
Become curious about your own desire for popularity or approval. What feelings and physical sensations go along with you experience of feeling accepted or receiving approval?
Where and how do you experience those feelings in your body?
Notice and observe how you feel in your body when you experience rejection or lack of acknowledgment. What are the sensations you feel? Where in your body do you feel them? Are they tolerable? Can you stay present with the sensations or do you feel the urge to numb or escape from them? Do you notice a habitual pattern that you use for escaping or avoiding?
Are you avoiding doing something that is important to you because you are afraid you won’t get approval or you may feel rejected?
Are you doing something that doesn’t feel right to you just to get approval or feel accepted?
CHOOSE:
Learn to sit with unpleasant and uncomfortable emotions instead of avoiding them.
When practiced regularly, various mindfulness and meditation approaches teach the process of noticing and sitting with whatever arises in the form of thought, emotion and sensation. Breathing practices teach the nervous system to relax. Through these practices, you can learn to be present with discomfort instead of trying to escape from it.
Learn to discern between the loud voice of ego and the soft voice of soul.
Once you are able to identify the blustery, irritating inner chatter of your ego, you can choose to ignore it. In doing so, you create space for a gentler and more subtle voice to express itself. This voice wants the best for you and wants you to bring forth the creative, life-enhancing qualities that make you uniquely qualified to offer the world the special gifts that you have to offer.
Choose to align your actions with purpose instead of popularity.
Reflect upon what is really important to you and how you want to live in the world. Once you have identified the values that mean the most to you, choose to act in ways that are consistent with those values.
Choosing purpose over popularity may bring up difficult emotions. Learn to tolerate that discomfort with mindfulness, meditation and breathing practices. I can’t say this enough times because expanding your capacity to be present in challenging moments will create more freedom in your life than any other process I know.
INTEGRATE:
I am genuinely grateful that you took the time to read this long piece. I believe that each and every one of us is put on this earth to offer something unique that only we can provide. When we look to the outside world for validation instead of tuning in to our inner wisdom, we lose the opportunity to act in alignment with what we are meant to offer the world. With the world in its current state, we can’t afford to miss out on our chance to bring forth our individual gifts and make this a better world for all of us to live in.
I’m excited to post this blog and can’t wait to read all of your awesome comments. ;)