Have you Checked Your WiFi Settings?
The other day, I started a session with a patient on Face Time, the “new normal” for mental health professionals during the pandemic. In the first few minutes, the picture froze multiple times and the audio dropped repeatedly, causing me to miss most of what my patient was saying. Since this patient had recently relocated to a different residence, we had no prior experience navigating our virtual therapeutic relationship in this new location. We both assumed that the offending issue was on her end and she began to experiment by moving from one room to another, taking her device and me with her as she provided a light-hearted tour of her lovely home.
After three moves, including a journey to the basement where the router was stationed, I started to question the assumption that my patient’s WiFi was the issue. In truth, I had wondered earlier whether the problem could be on my end. I had quickly dismissed that possibility after considering that my iPad had been working properly in the same room for days and I had just finished a Zoom yoga class with perfect clarity. Finally, I clicked on Settings and discovered that in fact, my WiFi was not on the ideal setting for my office / yoga studio. As soon as I changed it, our technical difficulties resolved and we were able to proceed with a stable and reliable connection.
This little episode got me thinking ….
During my third year of law school, I was absolutely miserable. I wasn’t enjoying the content of my classes and had no passion for the career path I was on. To make matters worse, the guy I was seeing broke up with me. After crying for days, I found my way to a therapist’s office. In the first few sessions, I tearfully presented the details of the relationship and described the person who had broken up with me. I discussed his family, his emotional issues and how he had treated me. The therapist finally looked at me said, “Since you’re the one sitting on the couch, why don’t we talk about you?”
This was the first moment I recall being aware of the concept that I was responsible for my own issues. As much as I enjoyed analyzing other people’s frustrating behavior and blaming them for my unhappiness, the reality was that if I wanted to be less miserable, I was going to have to look at my own role in that misery. This was particularly true as it pertained to my interpersonal relationships.
As disappointing as it was to recognize that my keen assessments of other people’s flaws were no longer worthy of my time and energy, it was also quite empowering. Over time, I learned to shift my focus from ways in which the other person was doing the wrong thing or had done me wrong to a mindset in which the essential inquiry was What role am I playing in this scenario?
In all honesty, it does seem easier and more natural to look at other people and identify everything they are doing wrong. After all, if I am hurt or upset by someone, doesn’t that imply they did something to offend me? Under my old approach, the answer would be Yes, of course, they are inconsiderate and hurtful. If I take the new strategy, I would no longer obsess about the offending interaction. Instead, I would become curious about my own reaction to the situation. Is this a familiar feeling? Is there a pre-existing wound? What is my role in this interaction? Are my thoughts helping me or causing me to feel unhappy?
The new mindset empowers me to see that how I respond is within my own control. I don’t know about you, but I’ve learned the hard way that other people generally don’t change in the ways I want them to. They continue to push the same buttons, eliciting the same response from me. People do what they do and I feel what I feel. As I become more curious and aware of my own internal response to what they do, I realize there are many options for responding to the situation. The more I pause, reflect and observe my thoughts, feelings and physical sensations, the more freedom I have to choose my response. Gradually, I realize that the person I found so upsetting is just a person doing their thing. I am a separate person and if I do my thing, pause, reflect, observe, I have the resources to feel what I feel without creating drama between myself and the other.
I understand that the new approach might seem less fun than complaining to your go-to person about your upsetting friend, spouse, family member, co-worker or neighbor. I know it’s tempting to maintain your belief that you are right and have been wronged. The down side to that approach is that your happiness, or freedom from suffering, is forever dependent on whether another person will or will not do their thing. Wouldn’t it be more helpful to work with the person sitting on the couch, the one reading this article, the only one you actually have the power to change? Check your Wi-Fi settings and let me know if you find those annoying people just a little less annoying over time.
OBSERVE - CHOOSE - INTEGRATE
In this section, I offer suggestions for applying the themes discussed above to your life. The more aware you are of your patterns of thought, emotion and behavior, the better able you will be to make choices that will enhance your health (physical, mental, emotional, relational and spiritual) and happiness. As you integrate more life-enhancing choices into your days, you will create a lifestyle that optimizes your well-being.
OBSERVE:
Notice the patterns of people and situations that push your buttons. What do you observe? Do you recognize a familiar story or theme?
Notice the thoughts you are thinking when your buttons have been pushed. Are they helping you resolve the situation or are they perpetuating a cycle of drama, frustration, anger, disappointment or self-limiting beliefs?
Notice the emotions you are feeling when your buttons have been pushed. What are you feeling in your body? What physical sensations are you aware of during this episode of agitation? Have you felt these feelings in other situations or with other people?
What is your habitual response when you feel provoked or triggered? Do you blame the other person, blame yourself, shut down emotionally, retreat, become volatile or hostile? Is your typical response helpful to you in these situations? Does it help you build a bridge to the other person or cause you to feel isolated?
CHOOSE:
Simple breathing practices are very effective tools for keeping the nervous system calm when you feel emotionally provoked. I recommend that you practice breathing long, full, slow, smooth breaths in through your nose and out through your nose for 2-5 minutes twice a day every day.
Another breath practice that soothes the nervous system is a long, full, slow inhale and a longer, full, slow exhale. Lengthening the exhale engages the parasympathetic nervous system, which has a calming effect on the body and mind.
If you practice breathing this way regularly, with or without a physical yoga practice, your nervous system will know how to stay calm and relaxed when challenging situations arise. This will be more effective than trying to breathe deeply when you are already agitated.
Take responsibility for your own buttons.
No one can “make you feel” anything. They do their thing and you feel your feelings.
Practice pausing, reflecting and observing in order to understand your own buttons, how they are pushed and how you react when your buttons are pushed.
Respond in the best way you know how to respond in any given moment. As Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
The better you respond to a person or situation, the better you feel in your body. An added bonus is that the other person will become less annoying to you and you will expand your capacity to enjoy being with a variety of individuals, regardless how button-pushy they are.
INTEGRATE:
We all want to experience our lives with greater ease and we all want to feel connected to others. Although we may feel as though we are powerless over the external forces that control our sense of well-being, this is not necessarily the case. Assuming the issue is outside of ourselves causes us to relinquish power to that which we cannot control or change. What happens if we shift our perspective? When you’re caught in a pattern of unhappiness or dis-ease, check your own W-Fi settings and do the best you can in the moment to use your resources to establish a better connection.