Suddenly is a Whole Lot of Gradual
Almost twenty years ago, I walked into an unremarkable room in a nondescript building and immediately felt myself falling in love. Every Sunday morning, I left my young family to explore poses with unusual names that my instructor guided me into one body part at a time: left foot back, right arm up, rib cage in, tail bone down, hips slope up, shoulders down. These cues became the music my body danced to, the rhythm that soothed my nervous system as I linked breath and movement to stretch, strengthen and cultivate balance.
I learned to tolerate the guilt I felt leaving three small children with my husband for two hours each Sunday because the yoga practice provided me with such a high quality of self care that I knew I would be a better mother for having gone. There was only one problem. Every time my yoga instructor announced it was time for headstand practice, I froze. I looked around the room, packed mat to mat with suburbanites of all ages, shapes and sizes, and watched in awe as some of them turned their bodies upside down.
I love practicing yoga and I love this class, but I will never do an inversion, I thought to myself. More resigned than sad, I couldn’t fathom how I would get from Point A, feet planted on the ground in downward facing dog, to Point Z, toes pointing towards the sky.
Each Sunday, I watched students flip upside down. Some weeks, the teacher suggested more advanced inversions such as forearm or handstand. I sat on my mat and watched the mysterious process of going upside down. One week, I noticed that the people who were inverting didn’t seem to have super-powers or even extraordinary bodies. I started wondering what it would take to get myself from Point A to Point Z. My mindset began to shift from I will never to maybe one day.
As I integrated the possibility of one day making my way into a headstand, I showed up to class each week and followed my teacher’s instructions, “Come into downward facing dog. Interlace your fingers behind your head. Walk your feet in. Bend your left knee and kick up towards the wall with your right leg.”
I was gripped by fear as I considered the possibility of kicking with enough momentum for my leg to find the wall behind me. The teacher might as well have told me to ski down a double black diamond slope. I am just fine on the bunny hill, thank you very much. I can handle a green beginner trail, but that’s about the highest level of thrill-seeking I can tolerate. Terrified, I couldn’t imagine my body flying through space and landing safely upside down next to the wall. I kicked, but without much enthusiasm. I spent over a year that way, kicking half-heartedly, allowing the fear to keep my feet close enough to the ground to ensure I wouldn’t fly too far out of my comfort zone.
My yoga instructor must have known that human beings need each other to get through fear and challenge, because one day she paired us up for headstand practice. Supported by a partner, I was able to lift my right leg and then my left, allowing my body to turn upside down as compassionate hands steadied my hips.
Approximately one and a half years after my first yoga class, I kicked up like I actually wanted to overcome my fear into a headstand with my feet resting on the wall. I paused to take in the experience and felt proud of my accomplishment. In that special moment, months of emotional and physical effort were synthesized into a tangible result. Suddenly … I was in a headstand. Suddenly was a whole lot of gradual.
Changing the quality of your life does not happen by flipping on a light switch, waving a magic wand or even swallowing a pill. Change is a gradual process that requires you to take mindful steps in an intended direction. What baby steps will you take to enhance the quality of your life?
OBSERVE-CHOOSE-INTEGRATE
In this section we will explore the process of (1) observing your inner and outer experiences, (2) using mindfulness to help you make choices that are more in alignment with the life you want to live and (3) integrating the information you gather. Each choice you make has the potential to take you one step further along the path of your intentions.
OBSERVE:
In what areas of your life are you struggling? Where do you feel stuck, like you’re swimming upstream? What situations cause you to feel dis-ease? When do you feel at ease?
Do you blame yourself or others for the situation in which you are stuck?
Is there a thought pattern that goes along with your struggle? Notice any thoughts that begin with “I can’t,” “I won’t,” “I don’t” or “I’m not.” These thoughts are often founded on self-limiting beliefs that may prevent you from feeling better or getting what you want.
How do you feel emotionally when you are caught in an unhappy cycle?
Example: When you see people with exercise habits you aspire to, you may think “they’re so good (and I’m not)” or “they have will power (and I don’t.)” Comparing yourself to others is generally not a helpful strategy. These comments imply that you believe the other person has a super-power you are lacking. Maybe you believe someone is better than you or that there is something wrong with you. Not only are these beliefs untrue, they usually work against you. Notice how you feel when comparing yourself unfavorably to another person. What do you do when you feel that way? Do you feel like giving up? If so, you’re not alone. In the next section, we will explore other choices available to you.
CHOOSE:
Commit to feeling better. A commitment sets an intention in a specific direction. It is helpful to be very clear and specific. For example, “I am committed to walking for 30-45 minutes on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays.”
Avoid judgmental, comparative or vague language, such as “I’m going to be good tomorrow,” “I need to exercise more” or “I should start running like Mary; she’s so fit.”
Each day, practice making choices, starting with minor ones, that honor and respect the commitment you have made to yourself. For example, “Tomorrow, I am going to walk outside from 10:00-10:30 AM.” Being specific will increase the likelihood that you will hold yourself accountable to your commitment.
Choose to take the next natural step, a baby step, in the direction of your commitment. Set your phone alarm to 9:50 AM, giving yourself time to get ready to walk at 10:00.
Choose to take the next natural step today, rather than postponing it to some time you believe will be more convenient. Delaying your choice to some imagined better time will most likely not take you further along in your intention. What can you do today to act consistently with your commitment? If it’s raining, put on a rain jacket and start walking. Each time you choose to do something today, you will strengthen your commitment and discipline muscles.
When you notice you are caught in a self-limiting thought pattern, remind yourself that your current thoughts aren’t helpful and consider other ways of thinking about the situation.
Choose to think flexibly, outside your usual box, starting sentences with “I can,” “I will,” “I do” and “I am.”
Learn to sit with uncomfortable feelings. Once you learn to tolerate unpleasant emotions, you will expand your capacity to make choices based on moving towards what you want rather than avoiding emotional discomfort.
Example: I know someone (I won’t name names but let’s just say my sons look a lot like him) who adamantly refused to try yoga for 15 years while I enjoyed classes and retreats, formed a community and became a yoga instructor. He repeatedly joked that he couldn’t practice yoga because he wasn’t able to sit with his legs crossed. He assumed that sitting cross-legged was a requirement for practicing yoga. He also assumed that he couldn’t sit in that position, not considering the possibility of props or modifications that would allow him to find ease in the pose. A mental attitude of “I can’t” and fear of not being physically flexible enough to access the yoga poses kept him from trying. When he finally, reluctantly, participated in a beginner men’s yoga series with an experienced teacher, he learned to support his body with blocks and blankets in easy-sitting pose. He was able to tolerate some confusion and frustration that are normal parts of being a beginner. Gradually, his mind and body expanded into the possibility of practicing yoga.
INTEGRATE:
The process of change challenges us to learn a new dance. The dance partners, awareness and choices, move in and out, swirl around each other, awkwardly at first. Over time, they find a natural rhythm, greeting each other fluidly and with ease. As the steps are integrated, a unique and beautiful dance emerges. It’s time to put on your dancing shoes.