I’ve noticed the strangest phenomenon during the pandemic. I’m actually a little embarrassed to reveal this, but I really haven’t missed very much from my life prior to the lockdown. Well, I am craving the delicious forty carrots frozen yogurt from Bloomingdales that my friends and I had planned to enjoy at a cancelled Short Hills Mall destination birthday celebration. Other than that, I am shocked by how little I long for places, people and things that I currently cannot experience.

Observing how little I miss from the outside world has made me consider a few things. First, I am incredibly fortunate to feel content with the home I live in, the family I live with and the work I can do from home. I am truly blessed that the activities I enjoy have been readily available to me (well, except for when the Peloton was in the quarantine zone.)

Second, I wonder whether the items on my old to-do list were actually ever that important to me. I am amazed at how little desire I feel to resume excursions to my frequent haunts, including the nail salon, Whole Foods and even my beloved yoga studios. I don’t miss my office and if you know me, you will be surprised to hear that I don’t even miss shopping.

Finally, I am reluctant to admit, for fear of offending people I cherish, that I haven’t felt motivated to connect with friends frequently during the pandemic. As someone who proclaims to value human relationships above all else and who has historically felt disconnected and distraught when I didn’t have multiple social plans in any given week (or day), I wonder, What on earth is happening to me?

There has been a lot of talk during the pandemic about this being a time to press the reset button in our lives. Given that I don’t feel the urge to resume life as it was, this also seems like a great opportunity to consider what my life might look like going forward. When I was caught in the routines and habits of my life, I rarely had or, perhaps more accurately, took the time to pause and question what I was doing, why I was doing it and how it was affecting me. I went about my busy life on auto-pilot, passively following my daily schedule without questioning the value of my commitments.

When the pandemic hit and those activities suddenly became unavailable, I realized that they were probably not essential and may never have been. This represents a significant mindset shift. The things I believed were necessary in my life really weren’t. I have been able to live without them. Wow. With a little bit of distance from my hurried patterns, I am able to see that I don’t need to step back into my life exactly as it was. I am able to see that I have a level of freedom I never appreciated, especially since I am (was/will be again) an empty-nester.

With most former activities on pause and local communities poised to reopen, this seems like the perfect time to question how I want to make use of the finite time I have on this earth. From a more detached perspective, I am better able to reflect upon which activities I want to resume and which ones I might choose to let go. Not only is this is an opportunity to consider how I want to spend my time, but perhaps more importantly, it is an invitation to consider how to most consciously make these important decisions going forward.

Since the chance to reassess an entire lifestyle falls within unchartered territory, there probably isn’t a roadmap for this process. From my perspective, it seems like a good idea to start by identifying what is most important to me, by establishing a set of personal values and priorities. Once I become clear about what is most important to me, I will be able to re-organize what I do in my life, how I spend my time, around those values.

After years of expressing an intention to begin writing once my sons left for college, I honored that commitment to myself with a monthly blog. With limited options for being out and about during the pandemic, I have spent more of my free time writing. Once normal activities resume, I may be tempted to become busy with errands and other old time-wasting habits. Now that I am clear that writing is a priority to me, I will reserve a specific block of time in my week to continue the process. My former approach of sitting to write only when I had nothing else to do, which was never, is no longer an option.

When I ultimately step out into the world again, I hope I can do so mindfully, with a clear intention to align my to-do list with a fresh commitment to my values and priorities. From that place of integrity, I hope to find deeper meaning, health and joy in my life. Of course, I wish the same for you.

OBSERVE - CHOOSE - INTEGRATE

In this section, I offer suggestions for applying the themes discussed above to your life. The more aware you are of your patterns of thought, emotion and behavior, the better able you will be to make choices that will enhance your health (physical, mental, emotional, relational and spiritual) and happiness. As you integrate more life-enhancing choices into your days, you will create a lifestyle that optimizes your well-being.

OBSERVE:

Allocate quiet time to explore the question, “What is most important to me?”
Values are personal and can include anything from spending quality time with family, taking care of yourself, making money, looking your best, helping others, being a good friend, serving G-d, fighting for social justice or protecting the environment.
Become curious about what brings you meaning, purpose and pleasure. When do you feel uplifted or fulfilled and when do you feel depleted or bored?
Be as specific as possible about your priorities. This will help you choose activities that best align with what is most important to you.
Notice if the words should/shouldn’t, good/bad and right/wrong arise as you consider what is most important to you. These words assign judgment, rather than neutral observation. Becoming clear about what you most value is a process that requires you to be honest with yourself; it is not about what matters to others.
Take an inventory of your daily and weekly activities. How do you spend your time?
Become curious about which of your regular activities support your stated priorities.
Begin to explore whether other activities would be in line with your values and how you could add them into your life.
How much time are you spending in activities that support your priorities and how much time is spent on activities that are not in line with what is important to you?

CHOOSE:

Once you become clear about what is important to you, what you value most and what your priorities are, it is time to consider making choices about your to-do list.
To the extent possible, begin eliminating commitments that do not serve your priorities.
Gradually, begin spending more time in activities that are consistent with what is most important to you.
Remember that what other people think of you is none of your business.
Learn to sit with uncomfortable feelings, because choosing new ways to spend your time may challenge you to disappoint others or take risks in your personal or professional life.

Examples:

1. After careful reflection, you realize that the most important thing to you is your family. You consider how often you yelled at your children when you felt frustrated by their busy schedules or ungrateful attitudes. You also recognize that you spent a lot of time on social media while they were home, allowing them to be on their own devices.

If you want to align your to-do list with a priority of family, be specific about how you want to improve the quality of your family relationships and work from there. If you want to yell less, choose to take an on-line course about effective parenting or practice meditation, which will cultivate patience and non-reactivity. If you want to spend more quality time, choose to put down your phone and engage your child in activities you both enjoy.

2. After years of expressing a need and desire to become more healthy, you are ready to prioritize your well-being. You recognize that your previous habits of working long hours during the week and watching Netflix on the weekends were not in alignment with your newly identified value of self-care. You choose to add in daily walks before and/or after work on weekdays. You decide to limit Netflix to one episode per day on the weekends and arrange to meet a friend for a hike or participate in another enjoyable physical activity.

3. Watching the racial injustice demonstrations, you realize how strongly you feel about the importance of treating others with respect and dignity. Upon taking inventory of your former schedule, you become aware that you spent much of your free time running meaningless errands or meeting friends for drinks. You begin to research volunteer opportunities that support your passion for social justice.

4. You recognize that you want to prioritize a “better work-life balance” but don’t know how to integrate choices that will line up with that value. Being more specific about what is most important to you will help. Specifically, what do you mean by “life?” Family? self-care? social activities? hobbies? The more clear you are about what you value most, the more effectively you will be able to incorporate activities that support your priorities.

INTEGRATE:

Aligning your to-do list with your priorities isn’t right or wrong and doesn’t make you a “better person,” whatever that means. Rather, it is a process of building a lifestyle in which you have a sense of purpose and meaning, in which you derive pleasure. Instead of swimming upstream, you will give yourself the gift of feeling more in the flow of your own life, which will help reduce stress and enhance the quality of each new day.

WHAT’S ON YOUR NEW TO-DO LIST?