Do it Anyway
Growing up, there was only one boss in my house. My father was in charge and he, my mother, my brother and I all knew it. In fact, he used to joke that our family was a democracy and he had four votes. Since my father didn’t have a sense of humor, I knew he wasn’t actually joking. The risks of standing up to my father were frightening, so much so that my mother and brother adopted strategies for getting what they wanted by working around him. Somehow, I never learned effective approaches to circumvent his stubbornness and rage. I continued to head straight into the lion’s den whenever I needed or wanted anything that met his disapproval.
One of the least pleasant patterns I recall from childhood is arguing with my father when I wanted to do something that he didn’t want me to do. Sometimes he didn’t want me to do it because he wanted me to help around the house and sometimes he had other reasons, as parents do. When I challenged my father’s view of how things should be, he told me in his loud and angry voice that I was selfish. By disagreeing with my father’s position, I was, by his definition, a selfish person.
As I entered young adulthood, I started to explore the impact of my childhood on my style of interacting in the world. I realized that I didn’t know how to express myself kindly, clearly and directly when I wanted or needed something in a relationship. As a result, I made things more difficult and complicated for myself and others. Over time, I learned the importance of setting appropriate boundaries and taking care of my own needs. I developed enough tolerance to endure the emotional discomfort associated with my “selfish” decisions. I was motivated to do so by a strong belief that I would be more available to myself and to others if I served my own needs first. These lessons did not come easily, as it is intensely painful to feel like a bad person. At the time, I didn’t know those unpleasant feelings had a name: shame.
Decades later, Brene’ Brown became a household name and her TED talks illuminated the role shame plays in how we perceive ourselves and interact with others. Through her stories, I recognized the feelings that accompanied how I felt when my father called me selfish as shame. I knew as a child that I felt like I was bad in some way and that those feelings felt true. I didn’t know the word for what I was feeling until years into my work as a clinical psychologist when Brene’ Brown started speaking publicly about her research on shame. Her work helped me access a new perspective on myself. Disagreeing with my father didn’t make me a selfish or bad person; instead, his accusations induced feelings of shame, which led me to believe that I was bad.
A few years ago, a situation came up with a close friend that illustrates the long-term impact of shame and the possibility of becoming resilient to its painful emotional sensations. I had planned to spend a full day cooking and eating lunch with two friends, which meant I had to skip my usual Tuesday morning yoga class in order to do so. When one friend cancelled, I rethought the plans and decided I wanted to go to yoga. I reasoned to myself that meeting the other friend after class would allow me to get my needs met and still give us three hours together. I was unprepared for the intense emotional reaction that followed my presentation of the revised schedule to her.
My friend began to scream at me, “You have an easy life, Shari … you put your own needs first.” As I felt the familiar wave of shame rise in my body, I braced against the impact and initiated strategies I had developed during a decade of yoga and meditation practices. I started breathing deeply, fully and slowly, reminding myself not to react. This is an opportunity to practice non-reactivity, I told myself as I worked on listening and remaining calm. Then the second blow hit. She said, “I’ve heard this about you, Shari, that you take care of yourself, but I’ve never seen it myself. Now I know what people were talking about.”
I wasn’t sure I could handle the impact of this comment and paused to see if I would dissolve into a shame-induced emotional puddle. My brain scanned the experience as I searched for ways to keep myself from being overwhelmed by emotion. This is not about you, I told myself as my friend’s angry voice continued. I know this feeling; it is shame. Not only was she calling me selfish, she was saying that I was known publicly for that terrible trait. What other people think of you is none of your business. I fluctuated between doubting I could handle what was happening and assuring myself that I had the capacity to tolerate the disturbing thoughts, sensations and feelings coursing through me. Was my father right after all?
Finally, I became aware that what my friend was saying was true. I did take care of myself and in fact, prided myself on doing a pretty good job of it. I had become somewhat of a professional expert on self-care, teaching my patients how to take care of themselves in various ways, including establishing healthy interpersonal boundaries, identifying and expressing their wants and needs, and tuning in to their bodies to make healthy food and exercise choices. I knew that at some point I would need to explore the possibility that I had gone too far with my personal approach to self-care, but in that moment, my priority and focus were on preserving this friendship.
Although I still felt the shameful sting of my friend’s accusations, I was able to tolerate my shame enough to respond from a position of empathy and compassion. I realized that she was likely overwhelmed by the challenges of raising a special needs child and that she was upset and hurt by my desire to change plans. In a soft voice that didn’t match her own, I asked my friend if she had known me to be a good friend to her over the years. Immediately, the tone in her voice shifted. “Yes,” she said. I asked her if I called her regularly, made and kept plans and was there for her when she needed me. Her voice cracked and she started to cry. “Yes, you are always there for me, Shari.” Then, she found her own vulnerability and told me how hard things had been for her lately caring for her son. She acknowledged her own need to take better care of herself in the midst of her demanding life.
We met each other there, my friend and I. We both experienced the painful and precious realization that even if we are filled with guilt or shame, even if we disappoint others or if others disapprove of us, our lives will be harder if we don’t take care of ourselves. When our lives are harder and our personal resources are depleted, it is infinitely more difficult to show up, listen and be there for others. That is why, even if we feel the intensely painful sensations associated with shame, we have to show up for ourselves to show up for others. We have to do it anyway.
OBSERVE - CHOOSE - INTEGRATE
In this section, I offer suggestions for applying the themes discussed above to your life. The more aware you are of your patterns of thought, emotion and behavior, the better able you will be to make choices that will enhance your health (physical, mental, emotional, relational and spiritual) and happiness. As you integrate more life-enhancing choices into your days, you will create a lifestyle that optimizes your well-being.
OBSERVE:
Have you ever wanted to do something that would disappoint another person or require you to put your own needs and wants ahead of someone else’s? How did it feel?
Do you feel uncomfortable when you think about or do something that requires you to put your needs or wants first?
Observe the sensations in your body that feel uncomfortable. Are they tolerable? How long can you stay with the difficult sensations and feelings?
What emotions go with the uncomfortable sensations? Guilt (“I did something wrong”)? Shame (“I am a bad person,”There is something wrong with me”)? Dread? Apprehension?
What happens to the sensations when you name the emotions? (“This is guilt.”)
Reflect on the messages you were exposed to as a child, overtly or covertly, about taking care of your own needs or asking for what you wanted.
Be curious about whether and how serving your own needs and wants might benefit other people. Identify clear pathways from your choice to the specific potential outcomes. This process will help motivate you to override the discomfort of your emotions, knowing that overall value will come from your decision.
CHOOSE:
Practice meditation or mindfulness in order to develop tolerance for sitting with any experience that arises in you. Learning to be a neutral observer of your own inner experience will expand your capacity to stay present and calm, and not become overwhelmed, when difficult emotions flare.
Adopt a new mantra: Do it anyway.
When you feel guilt or shame associated with a self-serving choice, remind yourself of the benefits to you (because you are just as important as anyone else) and others, then apply your new mantra and do it anyway.
Be a role model for others.
I have found that asking my patients if they would want their child to make the same decision as they are making often shifts their perspective. Many parents believe that it is their job to put their needs last and the needs of their family first. Asking yourself what kind of person you want your child to become can serve as a guideline for what choices and behaviors you want to model.
Example:
As a therapist, one of the most emotionally uncomfortable scenarios I face is how to approach a patient when it is time to increase their fee. Some therapists find this experience so intolerable that their policy is to maintain the same fee for a single patient throughout the patient’s treatment. I see patients for long-term treatment and choose to go out of my comfort zone to initiate these difficult conversations every four years. Despite the dread and apprehension I feel, I am motivated by knowing that I am modeling for the patient how to ask for what they believe they deserve. If I don’t have the ability to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings of greed and vulnerability associated with asking for a raise, I cannot reasonably expect that my patients will be able to do so in their lives. More importantly, I cannot authentically work with them to advocate for themselves if I can’t do it for myself in the therapeutic relationship.
INTEGRATE:
Shame is one of the most emotionally uncomfortable experiences our human bodies can encounter. This is why it often feels easier to avoid the pain by making choices that seemingly don’t rock the boat. Unfortunately, the long-term consequences of foregoing your own needs and wants include resentment and anger towards yourself (which may be masquerading as over-eating or substance abuse) and possibly others who you might blame for your unhappiness (which may be the hidden undercurrent of your chronic marital arguments or the reason you yell at your children.) One choice at a time, you can build tolerance for difficult emotions and a lifestyle that better reflects what you require, desire and deserve.