On February 29, 2020, I celebrated my 14th Leap Year birthday with family and close friends. We all gathered in Delray, Florida, where my mother spends her winters. I planned the weekend to include all of my favorite things, including some of the people I love, walks on the beach and healthy, delicious meals. The highlight of my special day was a private yoga class at a local studio, featuring my friends teaching yoga and chanting melodies that warmed my heart and touched my soul. During those three days, I felt so grateful to be surrounded by love and a sense of belonging. It was my ideal birthday weekend.

Fast forward ten days to March 12th and all three of my young adult sons have left their enjoyable, age-appropriate lives and returned to our family home to shelter in place. We were surrounded by fear, disappointment and uncertainty. My middle son was quarantined in the basement and we couldn’t get a grocery delivery.

Fast forward five months to August 4th. I am sitting in my dark kitchen. The power is out from a tropical storm and there are trees and power lines down everywhere. We are still in the middle of a pandemic and I am unable to see my patients or my mother in person for the foreseeable future. I had taken off from work the week of August 10th to move my youngest son back to college but just cancelled my plans due to high rates of Covid in Nashville.

This sucks!

Or does it?

I wonder whether we have been conditioned by our families and/or society to respond to our life experiences from one of two polarized positions: good or bad. Is it possible for us to consider that most situations have both unfortunate and fortunate qualities simultaneously? How do we unlearn our habitual responses and learn to see the value of incorporating negative and positive aspects of a given situation into our perspective?

When we wallow in negativity, we miss the opportunities for learning and growth inherent in most, if not all, challenging circumstances. On the other end of the spectrum, sugar-coating life’s difficulties prevents us from leaning in to the human pain and suffering that each of us will inevitably experience. Habitually responding in either direction causes us to miss rich opportunities to cultivate depth, empathy and transformation in ourselves and our relationships.

During the pandemic, some terrible things have happened and continue to happen. There have been many disappointments and losses on both large and small scales. I do not intend to minimize the devastation the world has experienced this year. Instead, I would argue that we might consider that devastation before we complain in a habitual, generalized way about our individual circumstances.

Most of us are currently living under less-than-ideal conditions. However, just because a situation isn’t ideal doesn’t mean it sucks. Life is not what we had come to expect. That doesn’t mean that it’s a disaster. It means at that moment, we are encountering a difficulty that is out of our comfort zone, possibly out of our control. We are being called upon to expand our capacity for coping and adjust to life’s current challenges. We are being called upon to grow.

If we dismiss a situation as “bad” or wish it away, we may miss a chance to dig down deep and identify internal resources we never knew we had. For example, if I had been able to move my son back to college, he would have missed out on an opportunity to develop confidence in his ability to coordinate a move (OK, I did email the building a few times), organize his living environment (probably not quite the way I would have done it) and stock his kitchen (don’t worry, I sent a list.) While he missed out on the convenience of having me there to unpack and food shop, he gained valuable life experience. While I am disappointed that I can’t be there, I appreciate that he is finding his own way.

From a spiritual perspective, the unwanted experience is actually a gift, sent to help us live more fully. This concept can be particularly difficult to embrace while we are in the middle of experiencing pain or grief. How can something so disappointing possibly be a blessing?
When we acknowledge the difficulty without the value, we often remain stuck in the position of “this sucks.” When we ask ourselves, “Or does it?” we invite ourselves to expand our capacity to tolerate life’s inevitable lows.
What do I have to lose by exploring the question, “How and why is this hardship, inconvenience, stressful situation, maybe even tragedy, here for me?” The unfortunate circumstance has already happened. I now have to decide how to move through and beyond it. If my choice is between maintaining a habitual negative attitude or acknowledging the difficulty and possibly finding value in the form of personal and spiritual growth, I choose the latter.

I don’t mean to imply that we should not complain or that we should pretend everything is great all the time. Life is often not great, perfect or ideal. Life is life, as it is meant to be, a spectrum of human experiences that ranges from tragic to euphoric.

Let’s learn to identify the wide variety of thoughts and feelings that accompany life’s highs, lows and everything in between. Once we expand beyond our habitual polarized responses, we can share our personal experiences as they are, express ourselves honestly and specifically, so the people we love and who love us are able to understand what we are thinking and feeling. Let’s be our less-than-ideal selves and find our way to each other.

We need each other now more than ever.

OBSERVE - CHOOSE - INTEGRATE

OBSERVE-CHOOSE-INTEGRATE

In this section, I offer suggestions for applying the themes discussed above to your life. The more aware you are of your patterns of thought, emotion and behavior, the better able you will be to make choices that will enhance your health (physical, mental, emotional, relational and spiritual) and happiness. As you integrate more life-enhancing choices into your days, you will create a lifestyle that optimizes your well-being.

OBSERVE:

Notice your habitual pattern of responding to difficult situations.

Do you tend to go right to “this sucks?”

Do you try to “sugar coat” the situation and ignore or minimize the difficulty?

Do you numb out? Freak out?

Notice how you feel in your body when you respond in your habitual manner. What sensations can you identify? Do you feel tightness, tension, ease, comfort?

CHOOSE:

Learn to discern between what actually sucks and what is less than ideal but doesn’t rise to the level of tragedy or disaster.

Learn to speak clearly in language that specifically describes what you are feeling:

Examples:

I feel extremely disappointed that [my work has been put on hold] [my wedding has been postponed] [I can’t go back to college] .

I am very sad that I am missing [the chance to move my son into his college apartment and meet his roommate and his family] [my freshman year in college] [ the chance to meet my great-granddaughter]

I am worried [about my health risks] [my job security] [ the future of our planet]

I feel very inconvenienced by this [line at the supermarket] [quarantine for two weeks] [power outage]

This [inability to socialize regularly] [slowdown in business] is less than ideal

I feel impatient [not knowing how long this will last]

I feel frustrated [by the confusing information about the virus] [that my parents won’t let me hang out with my friends]

I am grieving the loss of [my parent] [my friend] [my job] [the end of my college experience].

Choose to add “AND” between the difficult situation and the value it offers.

According to positive psychologists, the word “AND” acknowledges a harsh reality and allows for something positive to exist simultaneously.

Examples:

I feel very disappointed that I wasn’t able to move my son into his new apartment AND am optimistic that he will learn many new life skills as he navigates the process.

I am frustrated that we have been without power for several days AND am grateful to know that this is a temporary inconvenience.

I am very worried about finding a job AND will do something every day that brings meaning and purpose into my life until I can work again.

INTEGRATE:

Between “everything is great” and “this sucks” lie the vast array of human experiences that make our lives the rich, bittersweet journeys they are meant to be. When the bitter moments come, the sweetest remedies are found in our genuine human connections. Together, let’s learn the language of connection so that we can be there for each other through the bitter AND the sweet.

This Sucks! Or Does it?

OBSERVE - CHOOSE - INTEGRATE

Do it Anyway

They Never Knew